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Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 4:12 am Post subject: Surely a legendary tale!!
Hail Warriors and fellow members!!
I have for you here..
*signals barmaid*
a story of true comradeship, a story that sounds much better with ale!
BARMAID, ALE FOR EVERYONE!!
(i should probably point out that barmaids in the Trojan are of esquisite beauty, and are forbidden from wearing clothes )
*ale is handed out, everyone gathers around. A lucky few have barmaids sitting on their knee! An even luckier few have barmaids sitting on their face. They are still listening though.*
This story starts with two Warriors from the recruitment stage, who, after struggling through the dense and foreboding Forest Of Gamespy land, eventually arrived at their destination-THE WARRIORS CASTLE!!
*glasses are raised and a cheer rocks the Trojan*
These men were welcomed into the Warriors, and soon made their way here to sample the ale. After numerous tankards, and feeling slightly inebriated, they welcomed the offer to participate in some training with a *cough cough* high level Warrior. At this point they had been welcomed on honour and wanted to repay the Warriors and show they could be a valuable part of the community and felt training would show their qualities as generals of battle.
*pauses, takes large swig of ale whilst staring at barmaids 'lovebox'*
Where was i?
I remember!!
These men didnt think about how whilst in this state they could defend themselves should the Warlord of the Forest Of Gamespy land attack them, common sense had long been overruled. They simply wanted to prove their worth. If they had known the barmaid had given them a STD they might have thought twice but, alas the symptoms were not yet prevelant.
Sure enough, whilst navigating the Forest Of Gamespy land they were attacked by the warlord, who placed them in a hallucenagenic, time warp transe.
Using the mind control, the warlord made them think they had received word that the high ranking Warrior was experiencing......travel difficulties....and might not be present, but to attend anyway, but via a different and more longer route! Eager to please, the recruits followed the instructions, delaying them by days and making them nearly miss the Warrior they were meeting.
*swigs ale, starting to look blurry eyed*
Pleased they had made it the recruits eagerly set out for battle, but again the Warlord interfered. This time he made the one recruit lose his voice thereby making him unable to voice commands to his army. Just as he thought his enemy would destroy him, the warlord reversed time and placed both recruits back in the Forest Of Gamespy land, following the same instructions as before. After much confusion and swearing, the recruits again arrive at the battleground and eagerly deploy, both wanting to impress the Warrior they were with.
Battle commences, and as the one recruits forces men begin the downswing of surely a killing blow upon the enemy, the warlord again plays his tricks. The recruit feels mega internal pain, and the word "update" flashes in front of his eyes, before his power source is terminated and he dies. The warlord decides his fun is not over so he brings the recruit back to life, places him back in the Forest Of Gamespy land and sets him off again.
The recruit arrives at the battleground and joins his fellow recruit and the Warrior in a 3v3 battle. However, rules of engagement were no artillery. Again the warlord interfered, placing 4 onagers and 2 scorpions in the enemy army. His ally, who was feared by this ran from the battle and the warlord placed the two recruits again at the Forest Of Gamespyland, with the previous instructions to again follow.
To avoid arguing, wanting to remain strong in arms, they drink ale on the way through the forest, and eventually they arrive at the battlefield again. They lined up against the Egyptians, the Scipii and the Pontic armies, and they fought with honour. They fought with fire in their eyes and hate in their hearts. They fought with ale in their belly and double vision!!
I would love to say they won. noble warriors, but they did not!
They fought with pure innebriated rage to the end, but they could not last the distance. They fought with honour however, and the Warrior who fough beside them was suitably impressed (wink wink) with their conduct on the field!
The lesson, noble Warriors, is to not get rat assed before conflict!!
*finishes ale and slams tankard to the table*
And now i must leave, for there are many people to be told, and many more tales to learn. Rest assured any tales of epic qualities will be told here, at this fine establishment, by my good self. Until the next time my friends, HONOUR AND GLORY TO WOT
*rises from seat, stumbles, and makes his way towards the exit. As he passes throught the door he trips, falls, and his head lands in his horses arse. completly intoxicated he decides it a good place to sleep *
*the next mornimg the locals look for him, but all they see is a pile of manure, a used condom and a pair of boots at the spot he was at*
EXTRAORDINARY!
A TALE OF HONOUR AND COURAGE, THAT PRIAM HIMSELF WOULD CRY TO!!
What can I say; this has to be the best lounge story I've read! Other than that, this story has stirred the strands of imagination for ale-accompanied storytelling. This was truely a humourous story; at the end I could not help but cry out in laughter, and then quickly hit myself for perhaps waking up the household
Keep up the tavern-spirit! Keep telling the noble tales of the warriors! You have brought a whole new exciting form of clan sociality to us!
3 cheers for our fine Conscript, Confused_Johnny!
-Respect and Honour, [WOT]{Consul}MehmetTheGoatherd _________________
Thank you Consul, youre words are gracious indeed!
Instead of out learning of myths, i am back at the Castle. I had to come back for medical attention after an injury on my travels.
Allow me to explain what happened. I was walking past a mental hospital about 10 miles south of the Castle the other day, and all the patients were shouting,
13 .13 .13 .
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on
Hic! SSHHHHhhhhhhhh! Hic!
*slumps back into chair, the barmaid who was gagging is now bobbing her head rythmitically, the pleasure he feels help him relax. Two things happen whilst he is relaxing so acutely, 1-he remembers an old tale of hardship in the battle ground and 2-his sword goes limp*
*the barmaid leaves, just as he starts his story*
Twas during a long and arduos campaign, during a war which saw many dead. A war in which true stories of legend were made.
*the locals, hearing his muttering, gather round knowing that a tale is surely being told, and that he will purchase ale for all soon*
A country of barbarians had been at war with the Irish Mercenaries, who were civilised folk and quite intimidated by the Barbarians aggressiveness. However they had belief in their customs and practices, so met the Barbarians with true grit and determination.
*he signals barmaid, and a collective sigh escapes from his captive audience*
BARMAID!! DRINKS FOR EVERYONE!!
*suitably intoxicated, he carries on and his audience listens closely*
This shocked the Barbarians, and they were soon being driven back. Keeping with the momentum the Mercenaries push on, devising a plan that will see them strike at the very heart of the Barbarians. 2 armies of hardened soldiers, led by only the best Generals, were to make there way to the heartland of the Barbarian community and engage with the Warlords army, killing everyone. With their leader dead, the Mercenaries were sure the Barbarians would end hostilities.
*takes long swig of ale, some dribbles from his mouth onto his chin*
These two armies set out, one from the east and one from the west, on a trek that would last 5 days and nights for both of them. Whilst setting up camp on the second night, the army from the east encounters serious problems.
The Company Commander and the First Sergeant had throughout the journey kept morale high throughout the army, and enjoyed a clever and intellectual rapport with each other. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
The CO said, "I see millions of stars."
1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
With no tent they were at the mercy of the elements, and it wasnt long before they died. Theyre men, not knowing the gravity of the situation, thought that they were trying to show courage so all threw away their tents and copied. Sure enough, the elements claimed them as well.
*takes another swig, tankard is getting empty again but for now he carries on*
Upon their deaths, about 5 units of Barbarians came out of the stolen tent they were hiding in the woods in and decapitated them. Every single head was collected and the Barbarians moved off to inform there Warlord!
*gasp from the audience. some of the barmaids look pale. all of them look good! *
Upon hearing this, the Warlord second guessed the Mercenaries and sent the largest army at his disposal to the west, with the Barbarians in question leading the troop. The mercenaries, hearing the approaching horde, ready themselves for battle. All their training runs through their head, and they settle themselves into there battle routines. Unaware of there reinforcements fate and confident of a victory, and surely glory beyond all others, the mercenaries wait for the horde to make the first move.
*upon noticing some of his audience cradle empty tankards, as does he, he signals the barmaid*
BARMAID!! DRINKS ALL ROUND!!
*the audience voice raptorous agreement, and a chant of WOT, WOT, WOT, breaks out*
*he clears his throat, quietly and subtly, but its enough to quieten the audience as he carries on*
The horde of Barbarians did make the first move. 5 units moved forwards and engaged the enemy with some sort of thrown projectile. When the mercenaries noticed that these "projectiles" were the heads of their fallen comrades, they felt fear like no other and ran from battle, leaving both glory and the baying Barbarian horde behind.
*horrified by the graphic and brutal details, the audience take gulps of ale. He to, swigs generously, as does the barmaids who were unable to not be affected by such brutality. Nice! Drunken, Naked, Barmaids!! *
*with his ale finished, he stands up and slams his tankard down*
The moral of the story, my friends, is all the training in the world cant prepare you for the unexpected, so therefore always expect the unexpected. I must leave now friends, for i have some medical treatment to receive for a slight optical injury. Whilst im there i might mention the double vision!
*he moves towards the door, and as he is half way through it turns back to say*
A word of advice, dear friends. If you are travelling south, dont look through fences!!
*the door slams shut behind him, and the locals carry on drinking. 10 minutes later they here a horse whinnying in satisfaction and galloping away. When they leave the Trojan, they see a puddle of white, creamy liquid, a sticky handkerchief and a tub of vaseline*
Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 4:41 am Post subject: ROFL
Hail Warriors of Troy!
Ahh the mighty "Drinking Trojan" a place of reflection and of satisfaction.
Now that I at last had the time to read these stories I did. And they were indeed..
MARVELLOUS STORIES JOHNNY!!!
Those tales were so good when you make enough I'll make a little booklet hehehe it'll be worth it
Just I must warn..
THESE STORIES ARE OF GRAPHIC AND DESCRIPTIVE NATURE!! THESE INCLUDE SEXUAL REFERENCES, DRUG USE AND EXTREME VIOLENCE!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
Now we may continue on
"sips a pint of ale"
And now I'm off I am needed to do diplomacy and hop on the fields of Rome but great work mate keep it up and you might receive a medal for your wonderful stores
"exits the Drinking Trojan, mans his steed and gallops towards the castle"
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